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.The walls were closing in on me again and my vision was growing dark. Everything seemed to be as in a tunnel only the very center of which was clear. I was choking, unable to even breathe. Without a thought, without apology I walked outside. Once again, I grasped the railing but this time there was no strength to my hands. What the fuck had I done? How could I live with myself knowing the pain I'd caused that little boy?"Are you okay?" I heard Jean's soft voice behind me."Yes," I responded. "No. I don't know."I turned to the woman behind me. I was shocked to feel wet trails down my cheeks. "How can you fucking stand to be near me? Knowing what I did to Michael?" Because of this," she replied. "Because of how you're feeling right now. Because you can hate yourself for what you did to Michael."Hate myself? I realized she was right. I did hate myself. I should never have involved Michael in this plot. I should have found a way to keep him away from all this. Instead, I'd thrust him into. After seeing them in action, it played in my head constantly. Images of my girls making love to each other would go through my mind no matter what else I was doing; at the gym, on the phone, doing the shopping...And so I spent weeks fighting with my conscience before I took the next step. I'd like to tell myself that I only did it because I needed to, because I'd brought myself to a point where I had no choice, if I hadn't found a new release I would have done something terrible, like cheat on my darling Joshua or start exposing myself in public...But the truth is, I didn't do it because I needed to. I did it because I wanted to.3:I believe it was Freud who said that all children, ultimately, desire their mother. I kept this in mind as I made my next set of tapes - all I was doing was tapping into their natural urges. If all children want to have sex with their mother, by encouraging my girls to do the same, you could hardly call me a bad person. Similarly, we all reach a stage where.
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